On vigilance

Brief notes on psychic self-defense

“Super chill” is not how I’d describe myself. I’m a phone-wallet-keys kind of person: scrupulously clean, aware of the risks and mitigating them, always attempting to think five steps ahead. If something bad happens to me, I will try to ensure it doesn’t happen again, at least not in that same way. It’s kind of an exhausting way to live. I don’t consider this a virtuous or even positive characteristic; it’s just the way I am.

There’s one glaring exception to this hyper-vigilance: what I read online. To be clear, I try quite hard to completely avoid the darkest corners of the internet: pornography, violence, true crime, death, various manifestos. I think I’ve muted over 140 words on X/Twitter and I’m quick to unfollow, mute, and block. It’s possible, though not always easy or foolproof, to insulate yourself from the torrent of online horrors. (It’s a worthwhile endeavor, as it’s possible to read what would be a lifetime’s worth of bad news in a single morning scroll.) But lately I’ve been trying to protect myself from things that are much more innocent: garden variety viral content, parasocial podcasts, ear worms, trite turns of phrase.

A recent example:

The last few weeks have been hard. My husband was traveling back and forth to Europe for shows, so I was alone with the baby, I wasn’t sleeping well, and we are dealing with plumbing issues. Given all of this, and a few other things I don’t care to get into, I just haven’t had time to write. Wiping the umpteenth piece of egg off the floor under my son’s high chair, a thought occurred to me, seemingly out of nowhere:

“I am losing myself to motherhood.”

Now, if this were genuine or true, it would have been a thought worth listening to. But this thought didn’t come from me. This was something I’d heard, probably a hundred times, in the swirl of “online discourse”. It was mere regurgitation, a neat little phrase for a powerful idea, easily understood. I don’t doubt that many women feel this way—and of course, I can relate—but losing myself to motherhood was not what I actually felt at that moment. That’s an existential crisis of sorts. It took me a couple hours to realize that what I needed was, in fact, much simpler: a good night’s sleep, the plumber to call me back, better time management. The woman I was before I had my son, the woman I am now, is not lost. Not at all.

Same goes for clickbait videos with titles like “how I found out my boyfriend was cheating”. These videos burrow deep into your subconscious mind. Oh, the man in question was lying about going to the grocery store to meet up with an ex? Try not to think about that the next time your boyfriend runs out for milk.

Jean Paul Gaultier, 1994.

Everything seems like a catastrophe when everything we see online is one (or is made to seem like one). Recently, I have had to force myself to lower the stakes, slow down, and ask myself, “Is this something I genuinely think, or is this just something I’ve heard before?” Things aren’t true just because they are repeated at scale. It’s frightening how easily the thoughts of others can masquerade as one’s own.

In our therapeutic world, so much of what we consume is reductive and generalized. It tries to explain how we feel while knowing nothing about us, finding problems where there are none, and offering solutions to problems that were invented in the first place. The mind sometimes needs to wrestle with things on its own. This isn’t about putting your head in the sand; it’s allowing yourself the space for genuine self-reflection and solitude, where the worst case scenario is rarely the current reality.

via pinterest. who is she

A few years ago, I’m sure I would have thought protecting oneself from what’s happening online, or even strangers’ stories and points-of-view, was a sign of weakness. What, are you afraid you can’t handle reality? Well, this is only true if you believe everything you see online is indeed real, and it obviously isn’t.

It is not cowardly to protect yourself. Quite the opposite, in fact. The real question is: Why would you willingly subject yourself to this kind of stuff? Viral online discourse is, broadly speaking, a constant psychic attack. Nine times out of ten it is manipulative, bought and paid for, negative, exaggerated, hysterical, or cynical. Besides, sometimes people just lie. All of this wears you down, breaks your will, and replaces your thoughts with those of others. It leads to sudden irrational fears, intrusive thoughts, or just plain exhaustion. The algorithm won’t provide you with satisfying answers to your unique situation; it is designed to keep you in a state of anxiety and doubt. The way you get to satisfying answers is by seeking truth. In my experience, this is most easily done by getting away from the message boards and algorithms, living in the world, reading, journaling, and having hours-long conversations with the people you love.

We need to be careful about what we consume, even the seemingly innocent things. This is because what we consume, we internalize to some degree. Your consumption undoubtedly has an effect on your sense of yourself, but even more concerning, it affects your imagination, which in turn affects the direction your life will take. We shouldn’t confuse broad exposure with depth, or information with wisdom. If you throw caution to the wind, you will inevitably find yourself blown about in every direction. You’ll find yourself living in a random city, wearing clothes someone else thinks are cool, with a head full of thoughts that are not your own.