Love is the reason for it all. The desire to love and be loved drives and animates the human person. People seem to want other things—power, money, status—but, in the end, they want those things in order to win love. We need it, we deserve it, and it’s always at the front of our minds, especially during the first few weeks of February.
Love has been front and center in my personal life as of late. I was married four months ago, on an overcast day in California. Though I would like to share my many thoughts on marriage and the decision to get married at some point, I think it’s probably best to take a little more time to process it all and get back to you. The Wedding Industrial Complex, on the other hand, is something I have been exploring quite a bit in standup. That stuff practically writes itself.
Ok, what the hell: my quick “take” on marriage, as you might expect, is to do it. That’s rather easy for me to say as someone who did, in fact, do it. Everyone is going to tell you to do exactly what they did because it’s all they know. I am no exception.
I would be remiss to not share a small reflection on marriage, especially because I have heard so many truculent arguments against it. I have found marriage to be so much more than just good vibes; the real feeling reaches back to something ancient—maybe eudaimonia in the Aristotelian sense. It’s not exactly happiness, but a feeling of being one with how things should be. Now, I should be clear about two things: (1) that’s not exactly how Aristotle defined eudaimonia, and (2) I am terribly lucky to feel this way. I don’t know what I did to deserve my husband, but I am getting away with something. And to think: he’s the one married to me.
What I’m still sorting out is the tremendous pressure release that I felt after I got married. It really surprised me. It wasn’t quite like jumping into a body of water and having it be much warmer than you expected, but it was something like that. Or, maybe that’s what it was, but combined with the knowledge that I’ll never have to deal with the anxiety-inducing prospect of jumping into an unknown body of water ever again. The water you’re in is now your home, together, and there’s something very nice about knowing that fact. I’m not sure what this says about me, and frankly I’m not sure what the metaphor is here. Do you get what I’m saying? I’m trying.
On to the lessons. Yes, the lessons. Before I met my husband, I had some positive dating experiences, some mediocre, and some terrible. Though I’d love to rationalize the terrible ones as “Very Important” in some way for my self-development, I think that’s mostly cope. They weren’t important, in the end. And realizing that simple but painful fact, several years on, has done more for my sense of self than the experiences themselves.
This is not “dating advice,” just a few lessons I’ve learned through the ego-crushing process of love and rejection that, I hope, apply to life in general. They are things I wish I could tell my younger self.
Trust your gut. I’ve written more extensively about cultivating intuition here, but it is one of the most important tools we have, especially as women. You can question it later, but if your gut is telling you to leave—get out. If your gut tells you he’s not the one, he’s not. It’s simple, but it isn’t easy. There’s so much noise and chaos in our lives and as a result, so many people are completely illiterate in what they think in their own gut. Don’t let yourself be distracted. You are capable and you know the answers.
Know what you value. Can you define the ideal to which you are striving? Sharing common values—things like courage, faith, curiosity, truth, family, etc.—are probably the best barometer I can think of when it comes to choosing friends and romantic partners. Surface-level consumer preferences are meaningless markers of status, especially when it comes to forming the self and lifelong bonds with others. Your values are so much more enduring and vital than the stuff you merely happen to like right now.
Establish rigid boundaries, but not in the way you think. The modern, therapeutic use of “establishing boundaries” often ends up being something along the lines of: “If this challenges me in any way, I’m cutting it out of my life.” This approach will guarantee to stunt your growth as a human being. What I mean is knowing where you end and where someone else begins. I say this as an emotional and sensitive person: you do not need to feel emotionally enmeshed with everyone around you all the time. Almost always, someone’s behavior has nothing to do with you. This sounds odd, but sometimes I imagine building a little structure around myself—my own little personal space—even when walking down the street. If you struggle with this, I encourage you to try it.
Only those who love you are capable of knowing you. In other words, your true friends are right about you (and about the guy you’re seeing). People who love you and want what’s best for you will inevitably challenge you; they won’t blindly affirm you. Anyone who blindly affirms you all the time is probably not your true friend. It’s hard to admit when we’re wrong or make mistakes, but it’s so important to be grateful for these guiding forces in our lives. Conversely, if someone is giving you a ton of negative feedback, but you barely know each other, you can safely ignore it while still being civil. We don’t owe anything to strangers beyond good manners and good intentions. We owe a lot to our friends and family. It’s true that you can’t choose your family and family issues can be extraordinarily challenging. But your boss and your therapist probably won’t be at your funeral.
Loving relationships should be the number one priority in life. It doesn’t make you a lesser kind of person if you care more about your boyfriend than manipulating digital abstractions at your desk all day. I can relate. When I first met my now-husband, I don’t think I had a single coherent thought for two years (lol). Our loving relationships—this includes family and friends, of course—make life worth living. Commit to the people you love. “To be thus the prisoner of one’s own selfhood is, in fact, to be in hell.” (I’ve written more on overcoming isolation within the self here.)
Finally, try to forgive the people you love. We’re all so flawed. People are probably doing the best they can with what they were given. Most people are not out to get you, they’re out to protect themselves. It is so, so hard to forgive. But in the end, you only have two options: do you furrow your brow and scratch yet another entry into the Logbook of So-And-So’s Failures, dutifully reviewing previous entries every time you uncover another one, or work to let it go? What would you want them to do for you?
On a sentimental note, and because it is nearly Valentine’s Day, I want to express my gratitude to you, dear reader, for reading and sharing my work. It makes my day when people message me to tell me that something I’ve written has resonated with them in some way. This has tended to be a place where I share my more serious thoughts, but I’m looking forward to sharing more fiction and satire along with the usual. Thank you, again, for being here.