There's a quote from Zadie Smith's On Beauty that I think about a lot in terms of a potential advantage of being a woman: "One of the things about being a woman, he was beginning to learn, is that you have more built-in chapters. Women move through life in biological stages, for better or worse. Puberty, childbirth, menopause. Built-in chapters. Men are left with the problem of what to do when they reach the end of their own narrative.” I had never thought of how the "midlife crisis" many men go through was likely because they were confronting their own narrative arc for the first time and realizing it was a story in need of edits. How lucky we are to be aware of our stories from the beginning.
There are many contradictions about the value of motherhood. As a woman who is child free by circumstance currently: the notion that motherhood is not valued did not ring true for me. In fact, it is almost the only role in which women are valued. Many people can’t even picture what a woman’s life is if not as a mother (myself included until I was forced to reimagine what my life could be). I’ve never felt so invisible as a single 33 yo woman with a career. But how valued is it? Still very little as evidenced by maternity leaves that end too soon, child care that costs a fortune, dwindling school programs and education, all of which may fail and its up to the mother to fill in the gaps. I also do witness my friends who have kids now and I can see how lonely it can be, and hard, and in a way invisible too. Weirdly showered with attention and then finding their social circles shrink.
I also heard the messages to be independent and have a career etc though I am not sure that’s true for most women (did you also happen to grow up in a liberal coastal city? Seems that may have been my circumstance) but that message seems to have dropped off after school. Like they taught us that but now having arrived in the real adult world, it’s still a much less traveled path and certainly not universally respected or understood. It seems the most privileged role a woman can have is a mother still, almost aspirational for some (see: ballerina farm). Don’t get me wrong, I AM reimagining my life and happy to, but it’s unsettling at times especially in a world that doesn’t see the point of women if we’re not raising children.
Looks like my reply to another comment got tagged onto this one. Sorry about that. You bring up many good points here, and I do think my perspective is biased by the bicoastal-ness of it all (I grew up in California and have lived in NYC for seven years). I agree motherhood is valued at the surface level; we love the idea of women having children. I know many mothers who have felt totally written off and forgotten though, especially in the professional sphere. I would still argue it is not deeply valued, but rather expected (as you point out). Unfortunately, the materialistic society we live in does privilege economic contributions over familial ones, though we pay lip service to the latter. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment and sharing your perspective.
There's a quote from Zadie Smith's On Beauty that I think about a lot in terms of a potential advantage of being a woman: "One of the things about being a woman, he was beginning to learn, is that you have more built-in chapters. Women move through life in biological stages, for better or worse. Puberty, childbirth, menopause. Built-in chapters. Men are left with the problem of what to do when they reach the end of their own narrative.” I had never thought of how the "midlife crisis" many men go through was likely because they were confronting their own narrative arc for the first time and realizing it was a story in need of edits. How lucky we are to be aware of our stories from the beginning.
Really love this perspective.
There are many contradictions about the value of motherhood. As a woman who is child free by circumstance currently: the notion that motherhood is not valued did not ring true for me. In fact, it is almost the only role in which women are valued. Many people can’t even picture what a woman’s life is if not as a mother (myself included until I was forced to reimagine what my life could be). I’ve never felt so invisible as a single 33 yo woman with a career. But how valued is it? Still very little as evidenced by maternity leaves that end too soon, child care that costs a fortune, dwindling school programs and education, all of which may fail and its up to the mother to fill in the gaps. I also do witness my friends who have kids now and I can see how lonely it can be, and hard, and in a way invisible too. Weirdly showered with attention and then finding their social circles shrink.
I also heard the messages to be independent and have a career etc though I am not sure that’s true for most women (did you also happen to grow up in a liberal coastal city? Seems that may have been my circumstance) but that message seems to have dropped off after school. Like they taught us that but now having arrived in the real adult world, it’s still a much less traveled path and certainly not universally respected or understood. It seems the most privileged role a woman can have is a mother still, almost aspirational for some (see: ballerina farm). Don’t get me wrong, I AM reimagining my life and happy to, but it’s unsettling at times especially in a world that doesn’t see the point of women if we’re not raising children.
Anyway, you’re going to be a fierce mom.
Looks like my reply to another comment got tagged onto this one. Sorry about that. You bring up many good points here, and I do think my perspective is biased by the bicoastal-ness of it all (I grew up in California and have lived in NYC for seven years). I agree motherhood is valued at the surface level; we love the idea of women having children. I know many mothers who have felt totally written off and forgotten though, especially in the professional sphere. I would still argue it is not deeply valued, but rather expected (as you point out). Unfortunately, the materialistic society we live in does privilege economic contributions over familial ones, though we pay lip service to the latter. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment and sharing your perspective.