The male mind cannot comprehend the allure of Tony Soprano
What Tony gets right even though he's so wrong
It was a dry spring day, April, and we were a few blocks from Wall Street. My female colleagues and I secured our cocktails and canapés at Fraunces Tavern, the oldest bar in New York. We were a relatively diverse group, ranging in age from twenty-three to late forties, from all over the place: England, California, New Jersey. Gathered around a high wood table, we cast our votes.
The question: “Do you think Tony Soprano is hot?”
Yes. Of course. Duh. Absolutely.
We were unanimous. Some of these women were practically squealing with delight just thinking about it. “Wait—he’s literally so hot and I don’t know why!” said the twenty-three-year-old. (Haha.)
“But he’s fat.” A male colleague inserted himself into the discussion. “And balding.” We looked up at him with annoyance and pity. This is when I realized: the modern male mind simply cannot comprehend the allure of Tony Soprano.
Men cannot fathom Tony’s attractiveness because he flies in the face of two extreme stereotypes men think women want. Tony is not some Alphamaxxed-Finance-Bro-God-Emperor-Gigachad benching 300 at Equinox in Soho. (“B-b-b-but he doesn’t look like Henry Cavill!” This is cope.) He also doesn’t go hard in the other direction, wear a “male feminist” t-shirt, and unironically claim that “owning cats is [his] way of fighting the patriarchy” (real quote from a guy I met at a house party in San Francisco).
A few men will concede that Tony is attractive to women, but only because he’s “powerful.” Wrong again. This is only a small part of the story. Tony’s real allure is not related to his success, if you could even call it that. All the talk of sigma, rizz, yap, and aura, and no one knows it when they see it. (More on this later.)
Of course, the real Tony Soprano is a terrible man, and God will judge him for his sins. But the image he projects, the man we sense, as the viewer, he wants himself to be, is undeniably attractive to women. Even his therapist isn’t immune to his charms. Season 11 Tony Soprano is attractive to women because he checks the bare minimum number of boxes at the bare minimum level, which so few men manage to do these days (putting the murders, extramarital affairs, and shady business dealings off to one side, of course).
Men love to complain about these boxes, lamenting that women (1) have too many of them, (2) have impossible standards for each, or (3) “don’t know what they want.” None of this is true. What most women want is so foundational, so basic, it’s actually rather hard to explain. Nearly every woman I know, at some point in her life, has found herself sitting on unwashed navy sheets, at the foot of a mattress on the floor, attempting to explain to a man that he should simply care about her. As Jennifer Aniston’s character said in The Breakup, “I want you to want to do the dishes.”
To further muddy the waters, everyone is always talking about “The New & Now Essential Thing Your Man Should Be Doing.” Even men themselves. They think because they do keto, go to the gym, have a puppy, and do “photography” they should be attractive to women. These men have forgotten the basics. We all have. For all his faults, Tony Soprano has the basics covered.
So, this is my attempt to get back to basics, using Tony Soprano as my muse.
The Sopranos is mostly about Tony solving one problem after another. First it’s Johnny Sack, then it’s the air conditioning, then it’s Janice, then it’s A.J., then it’s the Feds, then it’s his mother (well, it’s always his mother). There is nothing more unattractive than a man who is incompetent or incapable of solving problems. Women need to know you got it. Tony gets things done. He knows how to handle himself. I pray for the women who have to send their husbands to the grocery store with a picture of what scallions look like.
At a minimum, a man should be competent. And he should be competent in your absence. If you feel you need to “manage” a man in any way—from what he says and wears to how he should act around your friends and family—it’s already over. There are too many mothers with one child who are actually parenting two.
Next is basic affection and attraction. Tony doesn’t just love women, he genuinely likes them. This may seem like the very definition of a straight man, but there are plenty of men out there who barely conceal their hatred for women. When a man likes women, he enjoys their company. He asks them questions about themselves. He listens to their answers. He acknowledges them as human beings. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been a part of a group conversation and a man acts like I’m not even there 🚩, refuses to learn my name 🚩, doesn’t ask me a single question about myself 🚩, or says something like “that’s actually a good point” 🚩 or “that’s actually funny” 🚩 as if he’s surprised. Tony might kill a guy and throw his body in the river, but he wouldn’t cold-shoulder you out of the conversation circle. You’ll notice he’s baseline attentive to almost all women in the show, whether they are an object of desire for him or not. For all of Tony’s faults with women—and there are plenty, he’s a real dog 97% of the time—he does genuinely like them.
Beyond basic competence and actually liking her, a woman needs to feel completely safe around a man and know he can protect her if, God forbid, she ever needed it. Goes without saying that Tony could do this. By the way, this is what’s behind the memes and TikToks women have been making lately, where they joke that they “turn their brains off” around their boyfriends.
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These women are not exactly saying, “Head empty, no thoughts.” What they’re joking about on a deeper level, as one commenter put it, is “deactivating the safety measures.” The sad truth is that all women need to keep their guard up when they’re alone, especially when walking at night. This is tiring, and it’s nice to be with someone who is looking out for you and your safety when you’re together.
It’s also nice to not have to make all the decisions about everything all the time. When you have to approve every little thing, you may as well do it yourself. Tony is a “I made a reservation somewhere nice for Saturday, pick you up at 7?” kind of guy. He’s not a “I don’t know…. [blank stare] ….where do you want to go?” kind of guy. Women want men who are attentive, attuned, and decisive. Women want to be thoughtfully considered without being constantly consulted. It’s romantic. Remember when Tony bought Carmella the new Porsche as a surprise? “I wasn’t sure about the color so I took a shot.”
This isn’t about being “alpha” or “dominant.” It’s about loving attentiveness—thinking about the other person before yourself. A man who does this is not going to order for you at a restaurant, but he will get the door for you and take your coat as if it’s second nature.2 These days, I don’t meet many men who are so decisive it’s a problem. I meet far more who are plagued by indecision because they’re terrified they’ll make the wrong move or embarrass themselves. This is a shame because the men most likely to feel this way are generally the ones who have nothing to worry about. We can’t browbeat good men into submission and then be upset with them for not making plans or taking charge.
So much for competence, genuine attraction, safety, and attentiveness. These qualities all regard men’s behavior towards women. We must delve into the man himself.
Too many men these days are utterly charmless. They’re more concerned with being correct than being themselves. They’re addicted to their phones and their corporate obligations. Life is a spreadsheet; seduction is a race; conversation is a battle.
Despite his countless problems, his depression, his failing marriage, and the hole he’s digging that gets deeper and deeper, there is a unshakeable lightheartedness to Tony. He still finds joy in his life, however fleeting. A beautiful view on the lake affects him unironically. He never loses his affable, boyish charm or the twinkle in his eye.
It’s infectious. Tony is exceptionally—effortlessly—charismatic and charming. Women love this. For women, it all starts with vibe and conversation, a conversation that, for the record, should feel more like a game of tennis, and less like staring at a ball on the floor. There’s an obvious intelligence on display when a man can banter with you in an easygoing way. You don’t have to “jestermaxx” or do the most. You just have to be kind, curious, and normal about things.
Everyone says confidence is the most attractive quality in a man, but mere confidence is easy to fake and people are quickly fooled. Truthfully, there is nothing more attractive than a man who is courageous—a man who knows who he is and what he stands for. Not in an aggressive, obnoxious way, but in a steadfast, open-hearted way. You can disagree with Tony, but he’s never going to stop doing what he believes is right—for him, adhering to a kind of Jersey mob mos maiorum3—just because you challenge him. To be clear: Tony is a murderous, philandering, sociopathic monster. But we can still learn from the anti-hero. Tony has courage, but he’s corrupted; too many men today are not corrupted, but lack courage. If confidence is about believing in oneself, courage is about believing in something greater. Courage is the most important virtue because it underpins the rest.
We fall in love with “Season 1 Tony,” so that’s who this is about. By Season 6, the show kind of goes off the rails.
Men go wrong with small acts of chivalry when they’re too aware they’re doing them. As Millicent Fenwick wrote, in 1948: “Men’s manners, like their clothes, should be unobtrusive. […] Lifting his hat should be an automatic reflex action, not a flowing, unctuous, obviously self-conscious exhibition of courtesy.”
Latin; literally “ancestral custom,” or “way of the ancestors”; an unwritten code of ethics and social norms meant to complement written Roman law. English: “mores.”
This is the truest thing I have ever read (at least this week and it’s already Wednesday) and it’s shocking how little people understand that being COMPETENT is one of the most important and attractive qualities anyone can possess. Preach, amen, standing ovations, mic drop.
Once upon a time I represented a serial rapist, pro bono. He got fan mail from attractive women. The attraction of very bad men to a non-trivial number of women is real, and not usually talked about. This article suggests that Tony Soprano is attractive despite being a killer. But his lawlessness and capacity for violence are surely part of the allure, though mostly as a fantasy. Most adult women would have the sense to stay away if they knew what the man actually was.