I work in marketing (boo, hiss) and have frequently had to remind my coworkers that our company not only has the ability to say nothing, but often the responsibility to do so. In am era where we are subjected to everyone's take on everything, all the time, it is incredibly refreshing to hear someone advocate for discretion! I also think there is something to mourn in the substitution of "having a personal brand" for having "character" because as you so eloquently outline, branding requires witness; character is who you are/what you do when nobody is watching.
loved this so much, so beautifully put. phone accessibility + the boom of social media apps gave everyone, even thing (aka business and brands) a voice that almost feels forced. we don't nearly sit with our own thoughts enough bc there's always someone out there that "needs" to hear this take or idea.
i've been thinking a lot about discernment and discretion lately especially when it comes to having ideas as a creative writer or artist. i wrote in my journal "some ideas just need to go on vacation" they don't need to be unearthed yet even if it sounds so new and seductive to implement - they need to just sit and breathe and we can see if they take a different form later or come back to it if it hasn't.
I'm reading a book called "You're Not Listening" (very good!) and it's such a sharp reminder of how often we center ourselves in every conversation, thereby losing an opportunity to expand, connect, fill our cups rather than emptying them. I loved this so much because listening IS restraint, it IS discretion and it's become a lost art. If you think about it on a marco level, listening is the very thing that connects us to the world and not our egos - like what you described here.
Catherine you nailed it! Privacy is the GREATEST wealth and honestly I cringe at how much people put online now. That old paradox of ‘those who appear happy are often miserable’ comes to mind. I’ve noticed in my life that the people I respect hugely often don’t have ‘online’ lives and definitely zero social media. They don’t feel the need to display their ‘incredible’ lives yet often they are actually achieving and accomplishing the most INCREDIBLE things without fanfare because they are wholly secure inside ♥️
Reading this returned me to every icky postmortem of every conversation in which I've over-revealed or over-explained. They all have the same bitter, spent quality--as if some essential part of me was leaked carelessly away. Anyway, restraint is elegant. Everybody can feel when you're keeping something to yourself. It reads like power and sovereignty. People who want more of this than they deserve are probably not in touch with those qualities within themselves... I think that says a haunting amount about our cultural urge towards overexposure.
Once at a work offsite, they split us into groups of 10 and made us do a “timeline exercise” where we had to talk about the three highest and lowest points of our lives. It was deeply uncomfortable, and now when I look back on it I wish I had stepped away from it. I picked “boring” milestones to share which were more comfortable, but some people shared deeply personal traumas and ended up breaking down in tears. So inappropriate in a corporate setting. Loved this piece, love every single thing you write. Thank you!
We had an initiative at work and did the same type of exercises. Some people really let loose and it was embarrassing to hear their plights. During a long period I had been dealing with a serious health problem that compromised my mental state. I ended taking two medical leaves from work that involved psychiatric treatment and told nobody what happened. Even close family didn’t know the details. I was very worried about the stigma and potential to be derailed by management if they knew how badly I was compromised.
Anyway, I’m retired several years so I don’t care about any of that anymore. So I decided to write a small book about my dreadful experience with the mental health system and it was just published recently. The writing was quite therapeutic and I’ve gotten some good feedback from those who read my story.
Today's widespread lack of discretion runs rampant in direct proportion to how lonely so many people are. Loneliness is not, unlike what many assume, a lack of social connection; it is, in my definition at least, a lack of connection within--a lack of relationship with oneself. As you point out, people desperately want to be witnessed (myself included). However, the feeling that nobody is watching, that nobody cares, far more reflects a lack of perceived self-worth (and one could also argue, a lack of connection with the divine) because we don't just want to be witnessed by anyone, but by people whose opinions we value. Ultimately, a rise in perceived loneliness (there is actually little data to suggest we are a more lonely society today) far more reflects a lack of innerness--of inner connection. This conclusion aligns perfectly with your assertion that we ought, for our own good (for our own self-value), to return to discretion. Great post, super interesting stuff!
This is really insightful. I would also add that I think it’s kind of a cycle as well, where the pressure to share your own life - and also consume inordinate amounts of others’ lives - actively destroys your inner connectedness, and so keeps you addicted to that superficial sharing/witnessing, to fill the hole (that doing so creates/maintains!).
I deleted my most compulsive, scroll-inducing apps from my phone a few months ago, with the primary goal just being spending less time on my phone and being more present. An additional outcome I didn’t necessarily account for was just along these lines. Not having anything to scroll has forced me to sit with myself in ways I haven’t in a long time, and pushed me to pursue more personal, *private* endeavors (more reading, crafting, home repair/decorating, etc). As a result, my mental health is genuinely so much better, my self worth and confidence and ease has increased a lot. I don’t want to be that annoying smug person telling everyone to get off their phones, but when the topic comes up, I really do urge others to give it a try. Even though everyone “knows” how bad phone addiction is, you don’t realize how much it changes you until you opt out of it.
Very well said! I've noticed the same--that in leaving social media and giving myself more to slow & immersive endeavors, I feel ten times better. Not to mention, as you say, there is something incredibly powerful about sitting with yourself that recenters you and eradicates anxiety (or lets it subside naturally).
Thank you for this. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. Rather than liberating, it is often profoundly disempowering to share the wrong information with the wrong people. Sometimes challenging to discern.
Gosh this is validating and heartening to read — this essay puts into words my feelings of cocooning and hiding and quieting and listening/reading more than sharing that I’ve felt creeping upon me in recent years. Breathing lightly reading this…. We don’t have to succumb to the pressure of social media and hot takes and *having something to say about everything*.
I work in marketing (boo, hiss) and have frequently had to remind my coworkers that our company not only has the ability to say nothing, but often the responsibility to do so. In am era where we are subjected to everyone's take on everything, all the time, it is incredibly refreshing to hear someone advocate for discretion! I also think there is something to mourn in the substitution of "having a personal brand" for having "character" because as you so eloquently outline, branding requires witness; character is who you are/what you do when nobody is watching.
loved this so much, so beautifully put. phone accessibility + the boom of social media apps gave everyone, even thing (aka business and brands) a voice that almost feels forced. we don't nearly sit with our own thoughts enough bc there's always someone out there that "needs" to hear this take or idea.
i've been thinking a lot about discernment and discretion lately especially when it comes to having ideas as a creative writer or artist. i wrote in my journal "some ideas just need to go on vacation" they don't need to be unearthed yet even if it sounds so new and seductive to implement - they need to just sit and breathe and we can see if they take a different form later or come back to it if it hasn't.
I loved this so much, Catherine!
I'm reading a book called "You're Not Listening" (very good!) and it's such a sharp reminder of how often we center ourselves in every conversation, thereby losing an opportunity to expand, connect, fill our cups rather than emptying them. I loved this so much because listening IS restraint, it IS discretion and it's become a lost art. If you think about it on a marco level, listening is the very thing that connects us to the world and not our egos - like what you described here.
Reading this felt like putting on an oxygen mask.
Catherine you nailed it! Privacy is the GREATEST wealth and honestly I cringe at how much people put online now. That old paradox of ‘those who appear happy are often miserable’ comes to mind. I’ve noticed in my life that the people I respect hugely often don’t have ‘online’ lives and definitely zero social media. They don’t feel the need to display their ‘incredible’ lives yet often they are actually achieving and accomplishing the most INCREDIBLE things without fanfare because they are wholly secure inside ♥️
Reading this returned me to every icky postmortem of every conversation in which I've over-revealed or over-explained. They all have the same bitter, spent quality--as if some essential part of me was leaked carelessly away. Anyway, restraint is elegant. Everybody can feel when you're keeping something to yourself. It reads like power and sovereignty. People who want more of this than they deserve are probably not in touch with those qualities within themselves... I think that says a haunting amount about our cultural urge towards overexposure.
"They all have the same bitter, spent quality--as if some essential part of me was leaked carelessly away."
SO accurately and well-described. I was prone to doing this when younger and it always made me feel like I had done something wrong to myself
Once at a work offsite, they split us into groups of 10 and made us do a “timeline exercise” where we had to talk about the three highest and lowest points of our lives. It was deeply uncomfortable, and now when I look back on it I wish I had stepped away from it. I picked “boring” milestones to share which were more comfortable, but some people shared deeply personal traumas and ended up breaking down in tears. So inappropriate in a corporate setting. Loved this piece, love every single thing you write. Thank you!
We had an initiative at work and did the same type of exercises. Some people really let loose and it was embarrassing to hear their plights. During a long period I had been dealing with a serious health problem that compromised my mental state. I ended taking two medical leaves from work that involved psychiatric treatment and told nobody what happened. Even close family didn’t know the details. I was very worried about the stigma and potential to be derailed by management if they knew how badly I was compromised.
Anyway, I’m retired several years so I don’t care about any of that anymore. So I decided to write a small book about my dreadful experience with the mental health system and it was just published recently. The writing was quite therapeutic and I’ve gotten some good feedback from those who read my story.
Today's widespread lack of discretion runs rampant in direct proportion to how lonely so many people are. Loneliness is not, unlike what many assume, a lack of social connection; it is, in my definition at least, a lack of connection within--a lack of relationship with oneself. As you point out, people desperately want to be witnessed (myself included). However, the feeling that nobody is watching, that nobody cares, far more reflects a lack of perceived self-worth (and one could also argue, a lack of connection with the divine) because we don't just want to be witnessed by anyone, but by people whose opinions we value. Ultimately, a rise in perceived loneliness (there is actually little data to suggest we are a more lonely society today) far more reflects a lack of innerness--of inner connection. This conclusion aligns perfectly with your assertion that we ought, for our own good (for our own self-value), to return to discretion. Great post, super interesting stuff!
This is really insightful. I would also add that I think it’s kind of a cycle as well, where the pressure to share your own life - and also consume inordinate amounts of others’ lives - actively destroys your inner connectedness, and so keeps you addicted to that superficial sharing/witnessing, to fill the hole (that doing so creates/maintains!).
I deleted my most compulsive, scroll-inducing apps from my phone a few months ago, with the primary goal just being spending less time on my phone and being more present. An additional outcome I didn’t necessarily account for was just along these lines. Not having anything to scroll has forced me to sit with myself in ways I haven’t in a long time, and pushed me to pursue more personal, *private* endeavors (more reading, crafting, home repair/decorating, etc). As a result, my mental health is genuinely so much better, my self worth and confidence and ease has increased a lot. I don’t want to be that annoying smug person telling everyone to get off their phones, but when the topic comes up, I really do urge others to give it a try. Even though everyone “knows” how bad phone addiction is, you don’t realize how much it changes you until you opt out of it.
Very well said! I've noticed the same--that in leaving social media and giving myself more to slow & immersive endeavors, I feel ten times better. Not to mention, as you say, there is something incredibly powerful about sitting with yourself that recenters you and eradicates anxiety (or lets it subside naturally).
The one who listens is the one who controls the conversation
Thank you for this. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. Rather than liberating, it is often profoundly disempowering to share the wrong information with the wrong people. Sometimes challenging to discern.
Gosh this is validating and heartening to read — this essay puts into words my feelings of cocooning and hiding and quieting and listening/reading more than sharing that I’ve felt creeping upon me in recent years. Breathing lightly reading this…. We don’t have to succumb to the pressure of social media and hot takes and *having something to say about everything*.
This is so good that I almost want to ask you to not keep quiet and share every thought you have. Brilliant.
I loved this piece so much and have been feeling a lot of this lately. Very timely for me. Thank you.
"We are given the personal gift of quiet contemplation years before we are given the shared gift of language."
What a fucking line. Never ever thought of it that way in all my life.
This is so amazing. Thank you.
<3!!! miss you
Proverbs 2:11
Discretion shall preserve thee,
understanding shall keep thee: